Fuzzy Memories

January 23, 2010

The pictures have turned fuzzy like a memory

And I can see all of your faces staring at me

You’re asking me why

I can’t tell you.

The only thing I know

It’s more than a habit to let go

It’s a lifestyle

It’s mine

So don’t take it from me

Please let me be

I can walk this path alone

Maybe one day it’ll all be a memory.

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Silently Screaming

January 23, 2010

All I want to do is scream through the silence

I want to break down

But I want you to know without saying a word

I can’t be the person you want me to be

I’m not the person you see

I’ve been broken for years

As far back as three

Tears piling up and spilling on each other

Followed by more tears

I want to be the person you see

But I’ve learned appearances aren’t everything

I’m stuck in this body that I don’t see as my own

This life isn’t mine

I know I was born in the wrong time

Why?

All I can do is silently scream.

Hospice

July 20, 2009

It’s like someone has punched you in the gut,

And although you’re surrounded by plenty of oxygen, you can’t quite remember how to breathe it in.

Every limb on your body is weak,

And you’re not sure if you’ll be able to make it through the day.

You’re fighting for them.

Though you are suffering, you know their suffering is greater.

And you’re not quite sure how to face everyone after they’re gone.

When people ask, how will you be able to speak those words?

All the secret tears I’ve cried, quieted by emotions I do not know how to express

All the things I wanted to do for her, and now it’s too late

I’ve lost my chance.

Life doesn’t wait for you;

It does what it wants when it wants,

And this is its harshest reminder.

But I think this is a portion of the worst part;

Waiting for the phone call,

Feeling helpless and too many miles away.

My First Love

July 3, 2009

You know that butterfly feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you’re watching a romantic movie, right at the part when you can see the two people falling in love? I prayed for that to happen to me. I looked for it, without luck. But I guess I was lucky, because when I was looking for the boy in all the wrong places, he was looking for me too. Jake. He knew before I did. I regret that he was invisible to me for over a year. But I would never trade the time I had to spend with him.

I first met Jake during a required class my freshman year of college. He was the quiet, athletic, dark-haired boy who sat in the corner of the classroom. He was always on time to class, but never contributed unless forced to. When he spoke, it was barely above a whisper. I had tried talking to him a couple times, but failed due to the fact that he never seemed to want to strike up a conversation with anyone. He just wanted to get out of class.

Throughout my freshman year, we ran into each other a few times. He was so quiet and kept to himself most of the time, that I just responded to him in a polite fashion whenever we passed each other in hallways. I never went out of my way to get to know him again. Little did I know that he was paying attention all along.

My sophomore year of college Jake and I were placed in the same dormitory. We got to talking one night in the lounge and I was surprised to find that he knew so much about me from what he had observed over the past year, and I had little to show of acknowledging him at all. I was flattered at his knowledge, and yet, ashamed of myself.

In December of my sophomore year of college, Jake and my good friend interviewed me about my art. He gave me his heart-shaped stress reliever- his heart. He made little comments about me having his heart or ‘playing with his heart’. Since, at this point, I didn’t even think he liked me as a friend, I took it simply as awkwardly joking around. Hindsight later showed me all the attempts he had made at making me laugh, or all the things I had said that he had laughed at that I hadn’t found humorous at all. So his efforts were unfamiliar and unpredicted… and for a time, unnoticed.

During December, his grandpa became very sick, and he was having a hard time dealing with it. I sent him an email telling him if he ever needed someone to talk that he could just call/text/email me. So, naturally, I attached my cell number. I hoped he wouldn’t read into that too much and be freaked out. The following days, I walked past his room on my way to class to find his door uncharacteristically closed. This made me nervous since we would always say hello. I second guessed the email and decided to keep my distance just in case. The Wednesday before our Christmas break for school, a bunch of friends of ours got together. When I walked in, I saw Jake sitting there. I decided not to say anything to him; I’d let him initiate conversation if he felt like it. I was in there for literally five minutes before he asked, “What’s wrong?” I was so shocked and taken aback that he would pick up on my mood so quickly and accurately that I stumbled and stuttered for words. I told him I was fine, that I was just tired. He struck up a conversation and then out of nowhere I heard him say the words, “I love you.” All the alarms and flashing lights started going off in my head and I’m sure my eyes were as big as two moons when I was finally able to spit out, “What did you say?” He looked so uncertain as he said more quietly, “I love you.” I took it as another joke and responded, “Oh, Love ya too, Jake!” The relief was apparent on his face.

Later that evening, I received a text saying, “I can see you.” I looked around the room, and upon the realization that I had everyone’s number minus Jake, I concluded it was him. I wrote back, “I see you too, Jake.” :

Jake: “I’m eye candy. Take it in”

Me: “Oo what flavor?”

Jake: “50, like Baskin Robins”

Me: “Ooo! I LOVE ice cream!”

Jake: “you just like the cream…”

As provocative as that conversation was, we both knew it was all talk. It provided an inside joke for us. Later I was talking on the computer with my friend and he came over and sat right next to me. We then began typing each other messages back and forth on the computer so no one in the room would know what we were talking about. At one point, I took the computer from his lap, and he let his hands follow the computer and fall, allowing one to rest on my knee. I felt an instant current run through my whole body. It came as such a shock that I would feel anything from his touch that I completely forgot what I was going to type to him. He noticed my hesitation and removed his hand. However, though his hand was no longer there, I could still feel the exact spot where it had been. Immediately, a million questions began running through my mind, with the main one being did I have feelings for Jake? 

I pondered the thought over the course of the next week and came to the conclusion that I undoubtedly did. He had snuck into my life without me realizing it, and now he had a sort of grip on me. Unfortunately, with these feelings of mine came complications. Two of my very close friends had already confided in me that they had feelings for him. I knew that I had to stay back, but I couldn’t help myself when he kept saying every single right thing. I never thought it possible because I had never experienced it before, but I really did feel like he understood me better than I understood myself. Everything with him was always perfect timing. 

Over Christmas break, we chatted a few times. He would say things to me such as, “I did it for you darling” or “goodnight gorgeous.” I thought that this was just possibly his classy way of speaking; I didn’t realize I could be anything special to him, though I hoped. On one evening, my mother was brought into the conversation. It was apparent that he cared that my mother would like him. He wanted to make a good impression. At one point he even said, “Your mom is falling for me just like you are.” He proceeded to say that he was just kidding, but to me, that didn’t seem like something to joke about. I wasn’t about to call him out, though, so I just joked back. He also asked what time I’d be back at school, because he wanted me to get back as early as possible so I could see him. He offered to unload my car when I got back also. He really was seeming like a classy sort of guy. And for me, this was so undeniably attractive and refreshing. 

When I got back to school, I had another friend offer to help me unload, so I told Jake not to worry about it. But when I reached the door, he was there waiting and wanting to help. After helping me carry things to my room he left with a “Love you.” His word choice was still catching me off guard. 

The second weekend we were back in January, I wandered into his room one night with a friend. He was just lying on his futon watching TV, and the friend soon left. I suggested watching a movie rather than aimlessly switching between random channels. He agreed. At one point I looked over to see him flicking me off. I told him to stop, but he wouldn’t, so I grabbed onto his hand to make him stop. He used this to twist his hand around and hold mine. He made some joke about me just wanting to hold his hand, and I just kind of laughed but didn’t object.

The rest of the night was a whirlwind. His confidence was undeniably attractive. He was so sure of every move he made, and he’s normally a shy guy, so it all came as quite the shock. In a previous conversation we had had on relationships, I told him that all he had to do was figure out who he liked and just go for it. Apparently he had used his advice… on me. He asked me repeatedly to stay for the night, but I continued to refuse. Though I didn’t say it to him, I thought the morning would be too awkward, especially since he’d probably wake up to me drooling with make up all over my face. Now I know that turns most people on, but I wasn’t too keen on the idea [haha]. 

I was so incredibly comfortable around Jake, more than any other person. Normally I would get really freaked out, especially considering my past. At one point he asked me if he made me nervous, I laughed a little and said no. I laughed because it was so ironic that I wasn’t nervous, it all just seemed so natural. We fitted together so well.

After that night, I took a week to take time to talk to my friends and confess my feelings for Jake. One friend was completely and genuinely understanding. The other, seemed more reluctant but tried to act like everything was one hundred percent a-okay. I kept waiting for the freak-out moment when I’d start pushing Jake away, like I had always done in the past with guys. But this feeling never came. Instead, I just kept falling deeper and deeper. 

Jake was my first love, and though we’re not together presently, he’ll always hold a piece of my heart. And I know that if he ever wants it, there will always be a place for him wherever I am. I pray for him constantly. I hope that all of his dreams are able to come true. When he is happy, it makes my day. And though I may not know things like his greatest fear or his favorite birthday memory, we are connected on a deeper level than I have ever been privileged to be with another person. I thank God repeatedly for the chance to love like this.

Dear Gunman

June 24, 2009

Dear Gunman,

Who gave you permission to play God? To take his life before his time? How can you look into his family’s eyes and justify your actions? Why would you stop another’s breath and heartbeat when they were keeping alive a man who cared for others before himself? On judgment day, what will you say before the Lord? How will you respond when he asks you, “Why did you kill My son? Did you not know he was your brother as you are all brothers and sisters through Me? Jesus endured unbearable pain and suffering so you could do this to your brother?” And what is amazing, is that by the grace of God, the same Father of the man you killed, He can still find a reason to forgive you. 

 

 

*This morning the world lost a wonderful football coach and leader of the community. Please pray for all involved in this horrible event.

Moving On

May 19, 2009

It’s too late for me to turn around

Because I already took the first step in goodbye

I loved you and I waited, 

But now life is pulling me on, pulling me forward

And falling back seems almost fatal

I wish you happiness, and I wish you love

But I’m pulling myself out from your life

Because I must get away from what I can’t have

A broken heart hurts more than I had planned

I had never planned to give my heart away

But you had it before I realized what was happening around me

And please know that your last words “love you”

They were the hardest thing to keep walking away from

But I knew I had to because getting closer to be pulled apart,

it’s just equal to another broken heart

So I’ll keep moving on through my days

Though I think of you often and always

I’ll keep these thoughts my own, my secret pain

For the better of moving on

Goodbye.

May 7, 2009

So here we are at the end

The sun goes down on a less-than-friend

Alone I stand with these tire marks

You drove off and I’m in the dark

I can’t believe you left me here

So I jump in my car & put ‘er in gear

But I won’t be chasing you anymore

You took your things and locked your door

I drive fast and far to erase the pain

You brought me fear and you brought me shame

So here’s to last chances that were never taken

You were too busy lying, too busy faking

But now you’re trapped behind the walls you built up

I never want to see your black pick-up truck.

Alone.

April 18, 2009

If today I told you I loved you, would you remember me tomorrow?

Would it be worth it if I was just another yesterday?

Wearing my heart of my sleeve; taking chances for you to see

I wish I knew the right words to get you to stay.

 

Memories of choice, choosing your heart’s path

A weight you carry on your own

But intermixed, your path chooses mine also.

I wish your choice reflected the feelings you had shown.

But now here I stand, alone.

Broken on the Ground.

April 13, 2009

I can feel the weight on my back,

It’s growing heavier every day that I press on.

New things added and nothing taken away.

I fall.

I’m on the ground now…

My knees gave way and my body lies broken.

The weight is still pushing me down,

It’s burying me alive.

And sadly it’s not the weight that bothers me most,

It’s the pain it causes as some pieces dig into my side or back.

The collapsable pain is that only inflicted on my heart.

And that is why I’m still lying here on the ground.

You added weight.

You caused me pain.

You made me fall.

Does it make you feel good inside to know that no one was there to catch me?

Oh my unconscious

Sleep would be nice

Close my eyes to drift

And leave this reality

Wake-less hours with eyes wide open

Fast asleep, no one would know.

 

Thanking my mind

for my unconscious thoughts

Bringing forth myself, my personality

In sleeping, a vulnerability of innocence and truth

All of me, all honest and exposed

For you.